LIFE: I Will Be Broken No Longer

i will be broken no longer juicygreenmom

I did something today. I stood up for myself. The individual who caused me great trauma over 1 year ago has once again been using me as an emotional and psychological punching bag. Today he did so in front of my daughter. For the first time, I called him on it to his face. I called him an asshole. In front of my daughter. And I’m not sorry.

I have not talked about this publicly before. I was trying to protect the people involved, and keep the peace. I was silent because I thought it was better to try to gloss over it, rather than upset people.

Today my resolve broke. My ability to tolerate the intolerable ceased to exist.

And most of all, I realized that I want better for my daughter. I want her to be assertive. I want her to grow up knowing what is okay and what is not. I never want her to think she has to be silent when she is mistreated. I never want her to think that other people’s feelings are more important than her own well-being.

I realized that this is what I have been doing to myself and I’m stopping it now.

Abuse comes in many forms. I have never been in what I would think was an abusive relationship. And I didn’t consider that I could be abused by someone outside of my inner circle. But then it happened. At first, I didn’t know what it was. I thought – I must have done something wrong to deserve this. In the middle of it, it was hard to see what was rational, what was right, and what was wrong. It was only when I talked to people outside of the situation that I started to see it for what it was. Emotional and psychological abuse that has left me scarred for life.

I have never considered myself a shit disturber. I have always tried to be the one who manages things so they don’t get out of hand. I have worked with my psychologist to try to get out of dwelling in the trauma. But when this individual decided to bring it all up again, all of my hard work and countless therapy sessions went out the window.

So here I am. I may be sacrificing relationships that are very dear to me. I may be making things un-peaceful. But I am not going to be silent any longer. I am going to set an example for my daughter. I am going to be proud to stand up for myself, and proud to encourage her to do the same. I am going to be like the exclamation mark in a row of periods and stand up.

I’m going into 2019 standing tall, unburdened.

I will be broken no longer.

How about you?


2 Responses

  1. Well first of all, Judith, GOOD FOR YOU!!! Creating boundaries and sticking to them is 100% healthy. True, navigating the process of putting them in place can be fraught with heartache and upheaval, but is so worth it. And it is not you who has put the relationship in jeopardy – his behaviour is what has caused a fracture. Surely, in time, anyone involved will see how much better your relationship is, with those boundaries in place. You may, in fact, be giving others permission to create healthy spaces for themselves, with this person in particular.
    I am so sorry that your life story is, to some, characterized by the trauma that you and your family has endured. I am very proud of you for seeking out help to process your feelings, and for working through the devastation to bring healing.
    You are strong – although you need not prove it to anyone – you certainly have proven it in your posts and by putting one foot in front of the other when it would be easier to give up. But I believe that what’s even more important is that with your strength you are compassionate, and empathetic, and seeking balance. It is so exciting to see you emerge from others’ expectations, and to step into being yourself. You are amazing, you are strong, and you are enough.

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